joke thread.

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by scootzmadness, Sep 2, 2014.

  1. scootzmadness

    scootzmadness Left the forum.

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    cant find a jokes thread.
    rules are simple. one joke per post. bad jokes are welcome. no racist jokes. rude jokes are better.
    ill start.

    why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side. why did she go to the other side? to go to the bar. why did she go to the bar? to go to the toilet. why did she go to the toilet? because that's where all the cocks hang out.
     
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  2. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    About time we resurrected this thread.




    Dear Dogs and Cats:
    The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

    (1) They live here. You don't.

    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

    (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    (1) eat less,

    (2) don't ask for money all the time,

    (3) are easier to train,

    (4) normally come when called,

    (5) never ask to drive the car,

    (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

    (7) don't smoke or drink,

    (8) don't want to wear your clothes,

    (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

    (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

    (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

    __________________
     
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  3. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    If Women Ruled The World


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  4. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

    The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

    The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains ,and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
     
  5. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

    Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

    (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem *ed off in the least.

    Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh *.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
     
  6. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    Some REALLY BAD Chili

    I couldn't read this in it's entirety without tears, ya'll give it a try!

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to $hit yourself, road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, albeit a bit warmish (read that, "hot to the point of being painful") which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it and the next day your butt cheeks fall off, I am NOT responsible!

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'tones of thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about & dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, poopoo, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

    The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape and incriminate me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.....BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal censored-plosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my delicate derriere is burning SO BAD. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-Beach (or something like that)! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping, and headed for the front when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

    I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.

    I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
     
  7. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    A Polish immigrant goes to DVLA to apply for a driver's license and has to take an eye test.

    They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

    "Can you read this?" the optician asks.

    "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know that guy!"
     
  8. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to let you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. Soooooo, what'll it be?"

    The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

    "So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.

    The second priest mulled this over for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter?"

    "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing," replied St. Peter.

    "In that case," said the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

    "So be it" said St. Peter, and the second priest disappeared.

    A week went by, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asked.

    "The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

    "Why?" asked the Lord.

    St. Peter replied... "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
     
  9. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    3 ministers and their wives were traveling together in a van. The van had a blowout and it tipped over killing all 6 of them.
    When they were standing in line at the pearly gates, St. Peter asked the first minister, "Why should I let you in?"
    He says" I'm a man of the cloth and have done everything I could for my fellow man". St. Peter says "While that is true, you also worshiped alcohol. So much so you even married a woman named brandy. You can't come in." The second minister offers the same reason he should be let in. St. Peter says "Yes, but you worshiped money so much you married a woman named Penny."
    The third minister looks at his wife and says "Come on Fanny, we might as well leave he won't let us in either!."
     
  10. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the road.
    Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

    Waiting at the zebra crossing for the light to change, he noticed a young woman standing next to him smiling.

    She had noticed the rather distinct bulge and she asked, "What do you have in your pocket?" ;)

    "Tennis ball," the man said, smiling back.

    "Wow!" said the woman looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was terrible!"
     
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  11. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    A Navy sailor meets a pirate in a bar.
    They talk about their adventures on the seas.

    The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

    The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

    "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other pirates with swords. One of the pirates cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eye patch"?

    "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

    "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
     
  12. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
    "Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
    “Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
    Trump frowned....
    "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
    "Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
    She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here."
    The Prime Minister walked into the room.
    “You called for me, Your Majesty?"
    "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
    Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
    "Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
    Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
    Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
    “Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
    "I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
    Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
    The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
    “Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
    “Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
    “Thanks,” said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
    Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
    Pence smiled, “Thanks!"
    Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”
    Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"
    ... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
     
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  13. scubabiker

    scubabiker NITROJUNKIE

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    Hahaaaaa hahaa my sides....
    Because trump is an idiot....
    Hahaaaa
     
  14. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    His and Hers Diaries


    Her Diary:


    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    His Diary:

    The bike wouldn't start, can't figure out why, got laid though.
     
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  15. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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  16. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    This is the story of my life.

    If there's ever a book written or a movie made about my life, it would have to be titled "Misunderstood"!


    [​IMG]
    Didn't see it either, did you????? Have agoodday!
     
  17. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

    She asks, "What are you waiting for?"

    He replies, "Autumn."
     
  18. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber came to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a policeman came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The policeman was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber arrived at the shop, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
    Later that day, a college professor came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
    Then, a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The MP was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber came to the shop to open up, there were a dozen MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.
    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Parliament.
     
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  19. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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  20. Stevep

    Stevep Well-Known Member

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